I am envious!

Being envious means having a feeling or showing envy. And I admit I have this feeling.

However, the kind of envy that I am feeling is not a feeling of envy over materials things. I don't feel envious when I see others holding their expensive LV,Tod's or other high-in signature bags (although I don't own any of them) or seeing rich gals driving their Mercedes-Benz or Jaguars (my dream cars)or mestizas flashing their diamonds. These materials things are only riches on earth. My riches are stored in heaven (naks).

So, what am I envious about? I feel so envious when I see someone jogging, jumping over a cliff to the water below, dancing, biking and other physical activities. I feel envious not because I am physically challenged.

I do have complete limbs to do all these. When I own pairs of running/walking shoes that could be used for jogginb or walking. I am not afraid of heights that I one of my fantasy extreme activity is to do bungee jumping or hand glide. I used to own a mountain bike which I used to use for long drives along the roads in Panglao Island. When I was much younger, I took ballet and jazz dance lessons and could really dance very well. I was even the main dancer during our ballet and jazz dance recitals.

So, what am I really envious about? I am envious because I can't do these physical activities anymore. Why? It is because my hormones act weird if I engage myself in these kinds of activities. Others may thought this condition might be just imaginary. I wish this is just imaginary too. But I have undergone a battery of tests, I have seen almost 20 doctors, I have been tested and admitted at different hospitals (which includes Ramiro Community Hospital in Bohol, National Kidney and Transplant Institute of the Philippines, St. Luke's Hospital in the Philippines and National Institutes of Health in Maryland, USA). And sad to note that what is happening or what has happened to me is NOT imaginary. It's real.

I still need to go for another round of stress test to determine how far can I go with regards to physical activities. The last time I had this test, I could even hardly reach Level 2 (highest is level 7). My cardiologist had to stop me because my BP was already at 170/100 upon entering level 2. Whew! I don't feel the pain, but the BP level was just scary. So, because of this condition, I can't do the physical things which I would love doing.

But having my kind of condition doesn't make me sad or bitter. At least, what I have is classified as RARE. Hahahahahhaa. Who knows someone would be envious of what I have anyway?. But please, don't be.

(picture above is that of NIH in Maryland, USA. My room was located at the 5th floor on the front right side of the picture)